When in China. . .

So this post isn't going to be about me. I'm really not that interesting anyways. Witty? sure. Charming? According to most. Devilishly handsome? Just ask my mirror. But not interesting. That's for things larger than life. Like countries. Specifically China, in case you couldn't figure that out from the title, or the last 6 blog posts. Anyways, here's what China has been up to.

Public dancing. 

These people love to dance, and do a weird Asian Zumba thing (guangchuangwu， 广场舞), and pretty much anything else you can do with choreographed movements in a park. Every evening when the sun begins to set, middle aged women flock to the streets in throngs (in case you were speed reading, no I didn't type thongs), so that they can get their groove on. IMO (in my opinion for you non-millenials) this is something we should transplant to the States. It's good exercise, enforces a sense of community, and allows you to meet people without signing up for a $300 class in a gym.


Helicopter landings. 

On the plus side, it doubles as a rescue copter
when the buildings collapse

My school is pretty quiet. Nothing really ever happens here out of the ordinary. It's essentially a small town in rural Kansas, give or take 20,000 people. But three days ago, a helicopter decided to land on the track where I and every student on campus tend to go jogging. since then it has been landing and taking off with the regularity of an Activia commercial. Have you ever had a helicopter buzz your apartment building? You have? weird. But at least your building was probably made to last. My complex has a shelf life of about fifteen years and is currently entering its seventh year. So the vibrations from a helicopter feel eerily similar to a category 3 earthquake. Good times. Good times.

Picture taking. 

Pictured: Maturity

This is a class full of grown adult  college professors. They had never seen a real life white person before, so they took a picture of yours truly. And then I took a picture of them taking a picture of me taking a picture of them. Pretty meta, right?

"If we stack them high enough, maybe the
cops won't be able to see who's driving."

Hoarding.

This picture is terrible. That's partly my bad, and mostly the bad of the chinese girl who shouldered past me to get on a bus. I don't blame her, I would've done the same. But what you are looking at is half of this motor bike's cargo of....styrofoam? I'm not really sure. But it was as tall as a double decker bus and as wide as my living room. So I was impressed. This stuff happens all the time, but usually its trash, or squished down cardboard. Seeing something this bulky weaving through traffic, was worth a photo.

Clear Skies.

My eyes were tearing up from joy instead of toxic fumes

Just...What?

Words do not exist in the English language to express how rare, how beautiful, and how perfect this last week has been. I took a breath of air. That was it. No smoke. No toxic chemicals. Nothing but pure unadulterated oxygen (and nitrogen for you sciencey types)









Mistranslations.

I'd add a caption...but nothing I can say is
better than that sign.

These are normal.

  All things considered, this one actually isn't even that bad. Part of me wonders if this is intentional. I would feel terrible to wake the grass up from a nap. Imagine if you were sleeping, then a giant came in and stepped on your entire family.

 Things are harder to kill when you humanize them. So actually, well played China. Well played.












Lines.

Don't worry. It's actually twice that long. I'm only halfway
to the checkout counter.

This is Wal-Mart.
Don't go on a weekend.
Ever.
I'm warning you.
You'll regret it.


Th-th-th-that's all folks. Oh, I also found out how to type in Chinese. 再见。 我爱你们。 你好妈妈。

3 countries in 4 weeks

The last month has been exhausting, in a good way. After five months of being away from home I finally got some quality family time when my dad flew in for a visit. Let me just start this post off by saying that my dad is awesome. period.

This picture notwithstanding...

We backpacked from Beijing to Thailand to Cambodia, all in the space of about three and a half weeks. The sights were incredible, and the experience is one that i'll never forget.

So let's get to it, what exactly did we do?

Well, as with any foray into China, we walked the Great Wall, and (I'm going to hate myself for this later) it was pretty great. We walked past several signs saying tourists weren't allowed past, and then we kept walking. Despite all the pictures you see of the Great Wall, it's actually fairly dilapidated for a majority of its length. Needless to say, those parts were my favorite.

Future site of worlds most dangerous slip'n'slide

We then left the cold, harsh environs of northern China in exchange for the tropical paradise of Thailand. Of course it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. When we got into Bangkok, it was three in the morning. We couldn't find our guesthouse, and every street we went down was teeming with snarling dogs. Then once we found our guesthouse, the owner was asleep and didn't answer the doorbell for close to a half hour. Ugh.

Anyways. After that, we toured Bangkok, which is a crazy city full of life. A longtail boat cruise around the city is definitely the way to go though. It was a good way to see the city.

Leaving the city, we decided to go visit Khao Yai national park (jungle). This place was great. We actually ended up camping in the Jungle(which was uncomfortable).

Fast forward a few days (because I'm getting bored with the way this narrative is going) and we're on a beach on the island of Koh Chang, which lies near the Cambodian border.

I would absolutely return there. Our hostel was great, the people were great, the beach was peaceful and fairly empty, and the white sands were just beautiful. One of the best parts was this waterfall located in the interior of the island with a pool that was perfect for swimming in, it was surreal.

With heavy hearts and downcast spirits we left the island for the infamous Cambodian border crossing. As usual for foreigners, we got scammed. Which in this case means paying an extra $6 and waiting a couple hours longer. Of course then we got shipped off to Siem Reap, where our bus driver drove us into town, and then right back out of it so that we could be deposited at a tuk tuk (a rickshaw pulled by a motorcycle) station no doubt owned by his friends. Since it was after dark, we had to take these guys into town.

We actually liked our driver, so we offered to hire him for the next day, to which he enthusiastically agreed. The next morning, he shows up and passes us off to his monolingual "brother". Welcome to Cambodia ladies and gentlemen.

Sunrise: The only time you can get a picture without
people in it.

In Cambodia we saw Angkor Wat (Shocker!) and it was everything you've ever heard. Imposing, ancient, mysterious, and sprawling. Among other adjectives. It was quite a bit larger than I was expecting. It turned out to be a good choice to hire a tuk tuk driver, as I don't think we could have possibly seen as many temples as we did if we had been on foot.

After Siem Reap and Angkor Wat, we proceeded to Phnom Penh (the capital city of Cambodia). Here's the part where I digress into an anecdote.

So there we were, sitting in the back of twelve passenger van. Our senses were constantly assailed by the faint musk of human bodies intermingling with the thick cloud of dust blowing in through the A/C vents. Our bus driver was pulling off his best Keanu Reeves impression from Speed and doggedly pushed that poor van to ensure that our speed never dropped below 55 mph. This despite constantly driving into oncoming traffic on half paved, half dirt roads.

As my teeth rattled inside my head, I felt the familiar urge that never signals good tidings. Now, normally, when I need to make a pitstop, I simply tell whoever is driving. In this particular instance though, my driver spoke only Khmer, the official language of Cambodia. Guess which obscure Asian language I can't speak?

Bouncing up and down, swerving left and right, and breathing in dust isn't the best situation, but wait! there's more!

Sitting next to me was a young kid, probably around eleven years old or so. His stomach must have been feeling the same external stimuli as my bladder. To his credit, while throwing up inside a van whipping back and forth like Willow Smith's hair, he managed to catch almost all of it in his hands...except for the small amount that I later found on my foot....Yeah...it was that kind of day.

Luckily though, the driver stopped the van at that point, which meant I could take care of business...so that's a plus!

And they all lived happily ever after.

For once, your imagination
is actually less horrifying.

Once in Pnohm Penh...
 The main attractions there revolve around the Genocide perpetrated by Pol Pot and the Kmer Rouge. It was a sobering counterweight to the levity of our previous adventures.

I really enjoyed this trip. To be honest, I was getting pretty tired from dealing with all the things that entail teaching in a foreign country, and this was a good recharge. That said, I think I need a vacation from my vacation. We ate way too many meals from 7/11 and had far too many 6 plus hour minibus rides down jumpy roads for me to recount in a single post. It was fun, but it'll take it out of you.

Anyways. It's been great talking to you. I'll see you in about four months (!!!!).

Three Thanksgivings and a Christmas tree

Well, it's officially the most wonderful time of the year. . . which means that Wal-Mart has had their Christmas decorations up since mid-October. I guess some things just transcend culture.

The first time since moving here I haven't
been a minority race

I figured that spending the holiday season in another country would be hard, but so far it hasn't been too bad. Sure, it's never fun to be away from family, but there's just something about celebrating an American holiday in China that makes you appreciate it that much more. 

Of course, there were a few interesting obstacles we had to overcome. The first was finding a Turkey (by the way, the word for Turkey in Chinese translates literally to "Fire Chicken"). Funny thing about that, China doesn't really do a lot of Turkey based meals. Dried Duck? You bet
. Sheep's Stomach? Sure. Pork?..... I wouldn't recommend visiting if you are Jewish or Muslim. But Turkey? Absolutely not. 

Miraculously though, we managed to find one. And now I can officially say that I have eaten meat ordered from the internet....I'm going to go check for tapeworms now. 

O.K. I'm back, and so far so good. 

Another issue was figuring out how to make all of the side dishes for the meal without an oven. Not because I personally don't have an oven, but because China doesn't have an oven. I actually asked a Chinese family if they had an oven and their response was "We are Chinese" (that means no).  

I think the bowl of forks was the
most exciting part.

So, through sheer force of will and a recipe from the internet, I managed to make stuffing entirely from scratch, in a Wok. 

So that pretty much sums up my Thanksgiving...Sort of. 

Since we aren't in America, we decided to overcompensate a bit, so we actually had three thanksgiving meals. 

The Saturday before we had Fakesgiving (because it wasn't actually Thanksgiving day)

The day of we had Mex-giving (we ate enchiladas, they were incredible)

The Saturday after we had Latesgiving. (because it was late)

After that ordeal I lapsed into a food coma until today when I finally decided that it was time for some Christmas decorating. 

After listening to my friends complain about how expensive Christmas trees from Walmart are, I had decided to forgo one this year, but then opportunity struck. 

I was running on the track this morning and saw a man trimming some evergreen bushes with a hedge trimmer. After passing him two or three times I thought, "those look sort of like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree." So I waited until the man left for a smoke break and grabbed as many handfuls of trees shavings as I could and sprinted back to my apartment.  

Chinese pine trees have thorns...don't ever grab handfuls of them. 

If the government ever needs my DNA,
there's about a pint of it on that tree

After disinfecting the thousands of micro-abrasions in my hands, I created this stunning masterpiece above.

Oh, and to prove that I actually teach, here's a picture of my students. Teaching here is pretty great, and really frustrating sometimes. Overall though, I recommend it to anyone who enjoys asking the question "What's your name?" and having the student respond "No, I don't like basketball."

Ahh, the ancient Chinese symbol for "I see a camera!"