When in China. . .

So this post isn't going to be about me. I'm really not that interesting anyways. Witty? sure. Charming? According to most. Devilishly handsome? Just ask my mirror. But not interesting. That's for things larger than life. Like countries. Specifically China, in case you couldn't figure that out from the title, or the last 6 blog posts. Anyways, here's what China has been up to.

Public dancing. 

These people love to dance, and do a weird Asian Zumba thing (guangchuangwu， 广场舞), and pretty much anything else you can do with choreographed movements in a park. Every evening when the sun begins to set, middle aged women flock to the streets in throngs (in case you were speed reading, no I didn't type thongs), so that they can get their groove on. IMO (in my opinion for you non-millenials) this is something we should transplant to the States. It's good exercise, enforces a sense of community, and allows you to meet people without signing up for a $300 class in a gym.


Helicopter landings. 

On the plus side, it doubles as a rescue copter
when the buildings collapse

My school is pretty quiet. Nothing really ever happens here out of the ordinary. It's essentially a small town in rural Kansas, give or take 20,000 people. But three days ago, a helicopter decided to land on the track where I and every student on campus tend to go jogging. since then it has been landing and taking off with the regularity of an Activia commercial. Have you ever had a helicopter buzz your apartment building? You have? weird. But at least your building was probably made to last. My complex has a shelf life of about fifteen years and is currently entering its seventh year. So the vibrations from a helicopter feel eerily similar to a category 3 earthquake. Good times. Good times.

Picture taking. 

Pictured: Maturity

This is a class full of grown adult  college professors. They had never seen a real life white person before, so they took a picture of yours truly. And then I took a picture of them taking a picture of me taking a picture of them. Pretty meta, right?

"If we stack them high enough, maybe the
cops won't be able to see who's driving."

Hoarding.

This picture is terrible. That's partly my bad, and mostly the bad of the chinese girl who shouldered past me to get on a bus. I don't blame her, I would've done the same. But what you are looking at is half of this motor bike's cargo of....styrofoam? I'm not really sure. But it was as tall as a double decker bus and as wide as my living room. So I was impressed. This stuff happens all the time, but usually its trash, or squished down cardboard. Seeing something this bulky weaving through traffic, was worth a photo.

Clear Skies.

My eyes were tearing up from joy instead of toxic fumes

Just...What?

Words do not exist in the English language to express how rare, how beautiful, and how perfect this last week has been. I took a breath of air. That was it. No smoke. No toxic chemicals. Nothing but pure unadulterated oxygen (and nitrogen for you sciencey types)









Mistranslations.

I'd add a caption...but nothing I can say is
better than that sign.

These are normal.

  All things considered, this one actually isn't even that bad. Part of me wonders if this is intentional. I would feel terrible to wake the grass up from a nap. Imagine if you were sleeping, then a giant came in and stepped on your entire family.

 Things are harder to kill when you humanize them. So actually, well played China. Well played.












Lines.

Don't worry. It's actually twice that long. I'm only halfway
to the checkout counter.

This is Wal-Mart.
Don't go on a weekend.
Ever.
I'm warning you.
You'll regret it.


Th-th-th-that's all folks. Oh, I also found out how to type in Chinese. 再见。 我爱你们。 你好妈妈。

3 countries in 4 weeks

The last month has been exhausting, in a good way. After five months of being away from home I finally got some quality family time when my dad flew in for a visit. Let me just start this post off by saying that my dad is awesome. period.

This picture notwithstanding...

We backpacked from Beijing to Thailand to Cambodia, all in the space of about three and a half weeks. The sights were incredible, and the experience is one that i'll never forget.

So let's get to it, what exactly did we do?

Well, as with any foray into China, we walked the Great Wall, and (I'm going to hate myself for this later) it was pretty great. We walked past several signs saying tourists weren't allowed past, and then we kept walking. Despite all the pictures you see of the Great Wall, it's actually fairly dilapidated for a majority of its length. Needless to say, those parts were my favorite.

Future site of worlds most dangerous slip'n'slide

We then left the cold, harsh environs of northern China in exchange for the tropical paradise of Thailand. Of course it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. When we got into Bangkok, it was three in the morning. We couldn't find our guesthouse, and every street we went down was teeming with snarling dogs. Then once we found our guesthouse, the owner was asleep and didn't answer the doorbell for close to a half hour. Ugh.

Anyways. After that, we toured Bangkok, which is a crazy city full of life. A longtail boat cruise around the city is definitely the way to go though. It was a good way to see the city.

Leaving the city, we decided to go visit Khao Yai national park (jungle). This place was great. We actually ended up camping in the Jungle(which was uncomfortable).

Fast forward a few days (because I'm getting bored with the way this narrative is going) and we're on a beach on the island of Koh Chang, which lies near the Cambodian border.

I would absolutely return there. Our hostel was great, the people were great, the beach was peaceful and fairly empty, and the white sands were just beautiful. One of the best parts was this waterfall located in the interior of the island with a pool that was perfect for swimming in, it was surreal.

With heavy hearts and downcast spirits we left the island for the infamous Cambodian border crossing. As usual for foreigners, we got scammed. Which in this case means paying an extra $6 and waiting a couple hours longer. Of course then we got shipped off to Siem Reap, where our bus driver drove us into town, and then right back out of it so that we could be deposited at a tuk tuk (a rickshaw pulled by a motorcycle) station no doubt owned by his friends. Since it was after dark, we had to take these guys into town.

We actually liked our driver, so we offered to hire him for the next day, to which he enthusiastically agreed. The next morning, he shows up and passes us off to his monolingual "brother". Welcome to Cambodia ladies and gentlemen.

Sunrise: The only time you can get a picture without
people in it.

In Cambodia we saw Angkor Wat (Shocker!) and it was everything you've ever heard. Imposing, ancient, mysterious, and sprawling. Among other adjectives. It was quite a bit larger than I was expecting. It turned out to be a good choice to hire a tuk tuk driver, as I don't think we could have possibly seen as many temples as we did if we had been on foot.

After Siem Reap and Angkor Wat, we proceeded to Phnom Penh (the capital city of Cambodia). Here's the part where I digress into an anecdote.

So there we were, sitting in the back of twelve passenger van. Our senses were constantly assailed by the faint musk of human bodies intermingling with the thick cloud of dust blowing in through the A/C vents. Our bus driver was pulling off his best Keanu Reeves impression from Speed and doggedly pushed that poor van to ensure that our speed never dropped below 55 mph. This despite constantly driving into oncoming traffic on half paved, half dirt roads.

As my teeth rattled inside my head, I felt the familiar urge that never signals good tidings. Now, normally, when I need to make a pitstop, I simply tell whoever is driving. In this particular instance though, my driver spoke only Khmer, the official language of Cambodia. Guess which obscure Asian language I can't speak?

Bouncing up and down, swerving left and right, and breathing in dust isn't the best situation, but wait! there's more!

Sitting next to me was a young kid, probably around eleven years old or so. His stomach must have been feeling the same external stimuli as my bladder. To his credit, while throwing up inside a van whipping back and forth like Willow Smith's hair, he managed to catch almost all of it in his hands...except for the small amount that I later found on my foot....Yeah...it was that kind of day.

Luckily though, the driver stopped the van at that point, which meant I could take care of business...so that's a plus!

And they all lived happily ever after.

For once, your imagination
is actually less horrifying.

Once in Pnohm Penh...
 The main attractions there revolve around the Genocide perpetrated by Pol Pot and the Kmer Rouge. It was a sobering counterweight to the levity of our previous adventures.

I really enjoyed this trip. To be honest, I was getting pretty tired from dealing with all the things that entail teaching in a foreign country, and this was a good recharge. That said, I think I need a vacation from my vacation. We ate way too many meals from 7/11 and had far too many 6 plus hour minibus rides down jumpy roads for me to recount in a single post. It was fun, but it'll take it out of you.

Anyways. It's been great talking to you. I'll see you in about four months (!!!!).

Giant Christmas trees

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Everyone! (Shengdan Kuiale! and Xiannian Kuaile!)


This year my Christmas was slightly unorthodox, and by unorthodox, I mean I didn't really celebrate it...or remember it. Sure there were a few decorations here and there if you really looked for it, but compared to the massive full frontal assault that is Christmas in the states, it was really easy to just let it go by unnoticed.

Here's a breakdown of my Christmas (to the tune of 12 days of Christmas)

12 hour train ride
11 miles hiking
10,000 mountains
9 dollar pizza
8 souvenir shops
7 german tourists
6 wrong turns
5 racist cab drivers
4 awesome kids
3 rainy days
2 crappy bikes
And a Christmas I'll never forget


There were no all-day-all-night-25-days-of-christmas TV marathons of "The Santa Clause," "Home Alone" and those weird Lifetime and Hallmark specials. No advertisements telling me about all the things I should buy, and no mad panic to buy all of the presents I put off buying until Christmas eve.

So instead of celebrating Christmas like a normal American, a friend and I, (we'll call him Aaron, because that's his name) went to Yangshuo and Guilin in Guanxi province. Now, if you aren't familiar with Guilin, you are really missing out, you've probably even seen it without knowing. It served as the background for the wookie planet in Star Wars III, and several scenes from Avatar (The James Cameron one, not the crappy joke that M. Night Shyamalan made) were filmed there. Basically, a lot of the mountains stand by themselves and if you squint really hard and shut your eyes, they kinda look like Christmas trees.

To see it you have to use your imagination....and LSD

To describe it in one word would be impossible. It was one of those places that pictures don't do justice too. It was beautiful beyond belief, and if you ever get the chance to go there, do it.

Seriously, the only other white things around for miles
 were the clouds 

I went on a 20 mile bike ride through forgotten mountain villages where children ran after the two white guys who were clearly lost (we were). Every village we came to was farther and farther away from where we were supposed to be, but there just comes a point when turning around takes longer that pushing forward. The problem started when we came to a fork in the road that our map didn't have on it. We definitely chose the wrong one...or the right one if you're a fan of Robert Frost.

Three days was probably too long to spend there, but we did manage to explore the entire city (which is impressive in China)

Aaron and I even accidentally stumbled into an Underground Volleyball tournament.

Pictured: Bad parenting

In Guilin we got lost again and ended up walking 11 miles while trying to find the train station. It didn't help that every Chinese person we asked told us a different direction. But on the up side, we climbed a mountain and met some really cool kids at the top whose parents should be reported to Child services. Seriously. I still can't believe we made it up there without climbing gear.


It may not have been normal Christmas, but it will always be a Christmas I remember. Even though I forgot it was Christmas at the time.

Other than that, I haven't been doing a whole lot. My semester doesn't end until next Friday (so count your blessings Teacher friends in the States), so I've been gearing up for finals and trying to cram a lot of last minute things into these last few days.


Happy New Year (Xiannian Kuaile)!

Three Thanksgivings and a Christmas tree

Well, it's officially the most wonderful time of the year. . . which means that Wal-Mart has had their Christmas decorations up since mid-October. I guess some things just transcend culture.

The first time since moving here I haven't
been a minority race

I figured that spending the holiday season in another country would be hard, but so far it hasn't been too bad. Sure, it's never fun to be away from family, but there's just something about celebrating an American holiday in China that makes you appreciate it that much more. 

Of course, there were a few interesting obstacles we had to overcome. The first was finding a Turkey (by the way, the word for Turkey in Chinese translates literally to "Fire Chicken"). Funny thing about that, China doesn't really do a lot of Turkey based meals. Dried Duck? You bet
. Sheep's Stomach? Sure. Pork?..... I wouldn't recommend visiting if you are Jewish or Muslim. But Turkey? Absolutely not. 

Miraculously though, we managed to find one. And now I can officially say that I have eaten meat ordered from the internet....I'm going to go check for tapeworms now. 

O.K. I'm back, and so far so good. 

Another issue was figuring out how to make all of the side dishes for the meal without an oven. Not because I personally don't have an oven, but because China doesn't have an oven. I actually asked a Chinese family if they had an oven and their response was "We are Chinese" (that means no).  

I think the bowl of forks was the
most exciting part.

So, through sheer force of will and a recipe from the internet, I managed to make stuffing entirely from scratch, in a Wok. 

So that pretty much sums up my Thanksgiving...Sort of. 

Since we aren't in America, we decided to overcompensate a bit, so we actually had three thanksgiving meals. 

The Saturday before we had Fakesgiving (because it wasn't actually Thanksgiving day)

The day of we had Mex-giving (we ate enchiladas, they were incredible)

The Saturday after we had Latesgiving. (because it was late)

After that ordeal I lapsed into a food coma until today when I finally decided that it was time for some Christmas decorating. 

After listening to my friends complain about how expensive Christmas trees from Walmart are, I had decided to forgo one this year, but then opportunity struck. 

I was running on the track this morning and saw a man trimming some evergreen bushes with a hedge trimmer. After passing him two or three times I thought, "those look sort of like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree." So I waited until the man left for a smoke break and grabbed as many handfuls of trees shavings as I could and sprinted back to my apartment.  

Chinese pine trees have thorns...don't ever grab handfuls of them. 

If the government ever needs my DNA,
there's about a pint of it on that tree

After disinfecting the thousands of micro-abrasions in my hands, I created this stunning masterpiece above.

Oh, and to prove that I actually teach, here's a picture of my students. Teaching here is pretty great, and really frustrating sometimes. Overall though, I recommend it to anyone who enjoys asking the question "What's your name?" and having the student respond "No, I don't like basketball."

Ahh, the ancient Chinese symbol for "I see a camera!"

Blurred Lines

Living in China is great...usually, although there are always a few things that will frustrate even the most stalwart of souls. There are a few things that never cease to amaze me when it comes to China. 

The first is the forwardness of the girls here. 

Usually the first thing you will hear coming out of a girl'

ahhh, the classic "misspelled flirtation" technique.
The poor grammar is subtle. Overall a good effort.

s mouth is "I'm so shy," or "I'm a shy girl." The next thing you hear is "You are so handsome, can I have your phone number?" 

Now, I'm a pretty nice guy, so of course I say yes each and every time. Which means I am now WeChat friends with 30 or more girls who I couldn't pick out in a lineup if my life was on the line. 

I really need to find a way to just say no without being rude, but I guess that wouldn't make for any good stories. 

The second thing is the strange ideas of health that people have here. 

Overall, they are very concerned with everyone's health except their own. Take, for example the very nice man who tells me that I shouldn't eat street food because it isn't healthy. After berating me over my food choices, he turns to me with perfect charity and offers me a cigarette. 

Then there is my personal favorite. The Chinese love of the outdoors, or at least letting the outdoors indoors. 

Pictured: Healthy, Fresh air. If compared to a
carton a day smoking habit.

A closed door is a rare find in this country, and the windows have been left open so long that they probably form a vital part of the structural integrity of the buildings they inhabit. People get up early in the morning to jog and practice tai chi and breathe deeply of the fresh air. 

Then you try to close a window, or a door. Instantly they begin scolding you. "Don't you know fresh air is healthy?" 

And no, that haze surrounding those buildings is not fog. Comparatively, the air in that picture isn't all that bad. It's when you can't actually see the tops of the skyscrapers that you should probably stop breathing with your lungs. 

Now, don't take any of this the wrong way. I love the Chinese people. They are very genuine, helpful people. It's just a bit strange going from a culture where we tiptoe around and try not to offend anyone, to a culture where that's a bit of an afterthought. If the thought occurs at all. 

They will generally go out of their way to help you. I've even had students buy me lunch because I forgot to bring money with me. When I try to pay them back they reply "It is my honor to pay for you." 

Well, until next time. 

China, and the horrors that lurk in the deep

Welcome back! I'll try not to keep you too long, unless you want to stay awhile. In that case, pull up a chair, pour yourself a hot cup of tea (coffee is for non-Chinese people) and enjoy the stories of untold horrors that stem from living abroad.

Since Halloween is this week, I thought it might be nice to tell a scary story. This story is true and unabridged.

Imagine yourself in a foreign country. You wake up one morning as usual to get ready for work. Doing as you do, you step into the shower and turn the water on. So far so good. Somewhere between your second "rinse and repeat" and the fourth verse of "Walking on Sunshine" you feel something brush up against your foot.

"Oh no!" you think, imagining the worst as you frantically scrub shampoo from your eyes. What if it's a snake? or a spider? or a rat?

It's worse.

As you blink away the soapy tears, you look down and see a piece of toilet paper floating past your foot. And it has brought friends.

Your drain has backed up into your shower, the drain that is shared with the sewer system for the building.

In an impressive feat of acrobatic skill, you vault out of the shower and finish cleaning off with abrasive cleaning products that should only be used for sinks, or really tough mold.

You call the landlord to fix it, trying to explain through broken Chinese and English that your shower is vomiting up it's stomach contents.

Several interminable hours later, he shows up with a few of his friends, armed with nothing more than a drain snake, a carton of cigarettes and muddy boots.

After tramping mud through your apartment, in what you can only assume to be some type of traditional Chinese dance to the shower gods, they fix your shower and leave.

Staring in dismay at the fresh layer of soil in your apartment, you go off on an adventure to find a mop.

When you return, the landlord is already inside and has thoughtfully decided to mop your apartment.

You smile and give a kind xie xie nin, and step out of his way so he can finish. He flashes a tobacco stained grin, and plops his mop back into the water bucket.....Oh no!

Oh yes.

The bucket is not in fact a bucket, it's the toilet. Your apartment has just been "cleaned" with toilet water.

Now excuse me while I go bathe in a bucket of lysol.

Happy Halloween!

Out With The Old, In With The Older

Let's begin at the best place to do so, the beginning.

China was never on my radar. I mean never. I was always much more interested in Europe and anything to do with the Mediterranean area, Asia just seemed so...foreign. So when some recruiters came to my school during my freshman year at college, really the only thing that caught my interest was the possibility of a year in China where I could actually make money, instead of bleeding it out like a normal trip overseas. 

Fast forward a few years and I'm boarding a 14.5 hour flight to land in a country that is literally as far away from home as I can go without becoming an astronaut. 

I've been here exactly five weeks and a day as of this post, and it's been an experience that is hard to put in to words, so I'll just do some quick summing up and let you fill in the rest with your imagination.

First. It's old...

Thousands of years of history tends to do that to a country.

I stepped off the plane and onto the tarmac. They didn't taxi us to the airport itself, we had to ride a bus to get there. Then I almost got hit by a car because traffic laws haven't been invented yet, and finally I passed not one, not two, but six rice paddies that were inside the city limits of Wuhan. 

If you go outside of Wuhan it looks almost like something out of a Normal Rockwell painting (if he was Chinese). I went on a trip to Hongcun and saw a group of ladies washing their clothing in the river because on of the villages we visited didn't have electricity. 

Yes, I felt creepy taking this picture.

My apartment even has a less nostalgic version of the milk man. Because the water isn't safe to drink, we have to have our water delivered in twenty gallon barrels once a week. 

Across the street from my school is an old market where you can go haggle the price of pretty much anything you could ever want, including hand made picture frames and guitars. Then, once I'm done haggling I can head over to eat some food prepared in front of me that definitely wouldn't pass health regulations....in the 1920's. But it tastes great!

Second. It's new...

My first week here I visited the Optics Valley Center of Wuhan. For those of you who follow tennis, this is where the Wuhan Open was held just a few days ago. I totally would have gone, but for some reason I couldn't afford the $7,000 ticket. 

Sorry...it's hard to fit a city block in on picture.
This is just the entrance....

The Optics Valley is best described as the lovechild of Times Square, seven shopping malls, and a quaint European hamlet. Seriously. 

I walked inside and was completely blown away. This place is a shopping mall that takes up an entire city block and ranges from 3 story to six story buildings. It even has an entire French version of Wal-Mart called Carrefour packed inside. The longest walking street in the world winds its way through the bottom section and boasts a German, Italian, and Spanish street. It's incredible. 

Third. It's never what you expect...

I saw an enormous Cathedral one day and thought, wow! I didn't expect to see this here. So I decided to go take a look inside. It was essentially a giant movie theater where you can get married. I was a little disappointed. 

Because "gothic" and "china" are synonyms right?

Then we thought we'd go visit a tiny little Buddhist Temple. Outside was small and unassuming. The entrance fee was 10 RMB ($1.60). It turned out to be a sprawling complex that took us 2 or three hours to explore, including a tower built in the 1200's that you could climb up, if you don't mind practicing your best midget impersonation (the ceilings were really low).

This is where I perfected the art of wishing I knew Kung Fu

Fourth. (Last one, I promise) It's an adventure...

8 hour bus rides with no air conditioning. 

Discovering that the store only takes cash and there isn't an ATM in sight.

Needing to use the bathroom and painfully remembering that China has a BYOTP policy. (bring your own toilet paper).

Standing in the rain and having every cab driver pass you by because they figure they can't understand you.

Teaching a class of "advanced" students, only to realize on day one that they know as much english as you know Chinese.

Spending an entire day at Carrefour (a.k.a. french Wal-Mart) because 10 Million people plus 1 Carrefour equals lines that rival disney world. 

The first time I saw something
that wasn't my hand.
So. Much. Fog. 

Waking up every morning and realizing...I'm actually in China!

Meeting someone new and having dinner at their home that same night. 

Standing on a mountain shrouded in fog when the wind changes directions and suddenly you glimpse a solitary mountain peak rising from the mist.

Honestly, It's been a blast so far. 

I promise the next post won't be so long, it was my fault for waiting a month to write. Apparently a lot can happen in that time. 

Until next time. Zai Jian!